Tears for Fears

So, I'm driving to the 7-11 this morning to pick up some Diet Coke for my parents who are coming over. The radio is on, as it always is, and the DJ starts his intro for the next two songs by saying they were both number one hits at this time of year - the first week of August. The first in 1990, the second in 1985. The first song comes on as I'm still driving and it's Mariah Carey's "Vision of Love". I'm singing along and thinking that 1990 still feels like the recent past to me. I thought about Mariah Carey and how hot and young she used to be and that she's 14 years older now. The next song started as I pulled up to the 7-11. Tears for Fears singing "Shout". Well, now, this song is 19 YEARS OLD!!!! I had one of those life-jolting moments as I sat in my van in an overcrowded convenience store parking lot listening to a song that I used to love when I was 15 years old. I closed my eyes and I could feel being 15 again. Where had all those years gone? It certainly didn't feel like that long ago. What would my 15-year-old self think of me now? I'm actually married to the guy I had a crush on back then. I gave him two sons. I'm sitting in a friggin mini-van for gods sake.

I look around at the bushes in front of me wondering if they were there 19 years ago. Even the ugly, smelly, green dumpster in the lot was probably built in the past 19 years. Did I appreciate being 15? Did I look around at the world back then thinking how cool it was to be so young? The funny thing is that, to some extent, I think the answer is yes. I remember being young like that and doing stuff like looking at the back of my hand and thinking that it was definitely a young person's hand. Some day it would look older, but right then it looked great.

As I continued to sit by myself in my van, a really scary thought crept into my head. Where would I be 19 years from now? What would I be thinking when I was 53 and Tears for Fears came on the radio? What would my life be like? Would I think about being 34 and almost crying in a stupid parking lot? Would I still be able to close my eyes and feel what it was like to be 15? I know that I would remember being 34 and that I would hope I appreciated it while I was there.

I try to think about enjoying the now of life. And I try to recognize moments that happen now that will turn into memories I think about later. Like my last post where I worry about my son turning into a teenager and I wish I could go back to the days when he was little. The day will come when I'll look longingly back at the summer before he turned 10 and hope that I recognized it for what it was and that I enjoyed it while I had it.

When I look at the back of my hand now, it certainly looks older. It has lines that weren't there when "Shout" was first hitting the airwaves. There's even an age spot (holy shit, can you believe it?) on one of them. But I am trying to appreciate being 34 and being so young.